A friend from the Netherlands wrote me a message on Facebook which reads:
I just read your post on your website. What is this Jake, grab yourself together? Getting drunk? writing a lot of bla bla bla on your website? Nobody really loves me? Yeah, they are all fake Jake. they just say they love you, like you. Nobody means it. What is this, self pity? If you want to be alone for the rest of your life, well please go on like this. It’s not that people don’t care about you, you don’t care about them, you are turning your back to them. Have another glass of wine, that will solve your problems. Go to bed Jake. Get some sleep. You ventilated all your frustrations ,lets hope they are gone now. I don’t know you, I’m too far away from you to be called a friend but the moment I remember the first time I saw your picture I liked you. I still like you Jake. Please get well.
My response to that is that right now life is fun, it’s great. Life is a blessing, and I know that. I am not a person who is perfect all the time, and I do make mistakes. I make big mistakes, and then learn from them – often times after it is too late. There is a side of me that is projected, and a side of me that I project to others. My biggest problem is that I often times make my life an open book, and I am too easy to read. People tell me all the time, and it’s either in my voice or can be read on my face like a huge billboard in Times Square. I can’t help it, it is one part about myself that I have not learned…. I don’t know how to build up a wall of protection to keep me guarded, and I live each day to help others. My issue is not present day, and the issue of me “turning my back” is one sided and very unfair. I have to turn my back sometimes, in order to ensure that my own self is protected – and then when I do I feel so guilty that I am unable to cope with it. I have never, ever, never been in the business of hurting others. It is not a possibility for me, and I cannot deny the fact that I can be the opposite of loving.
Last night I was living in a void, and I hardly drink. I am a lightweight when it comes to anything alcoholic, and when I drink I become emotionally unguarded and it stimulates the part of me that knows where I am wrong. I am projecting forms of self pity, but I am also full of major improvements in my life that have come from recent events which threw me off course. I am a man who understands that no matter how much you love, or are loved – in the end all we have is ourselves.
Friends like you who reside online, in a whole another Country see inside a window to my heart. You see a glimpse through the curtains that place a subtle veil of who I really am. I am most innocent, and yet the most guilty at most things that transpire in my heart – and for that I hate myself right now. I don’t want to hurt anyone, but I am afraid to move forward in my life, with my love, because I am afraid of self-destructing. I am afraid of self-destruction. This is not self pity, it’s the purest form of self expression I have right now.
I am but alone, comfortably numb, and slowly learning how to build my wall so that no one can see what I am feeling anymore. It will change me, perhaps concern or anger others, but in the end I have only myself to think about right now – because the alternative is that I will end up being physically ill – and I cannot allow that to happen again. I am tired, my friend. My heart is tired.
You are my friend, even in the Netherlands far away, and I thank you for sending me your message which shows that you care. I am a work in progress right now, like many others, and I will make the right choices in the end come hell or high water.
Jake A. Wheat
So this is Christmas….. and snow is falling outside of my window as I write this. On my TV is a roaring fire, with the “Glee” Christmas music mp3′s streaming on my iTunes. I’m drinking hot tea, and have a lot on my mind – mostly other people. Tonight I am thinking about Andrew Compton’s family, and how on this day they are spending time with each other while Andrew is still missing. I am thinking about the families of the six gay teenagers that took their own lives back in October, because they felt alone in the World. I keep thinking about all of the things that our Government has fussed over, and all of the ignorance and greed that festers in our world.
I take another sip of tea, and turn off the TV killing the roaring fire and sitting in my livingroom illuminated by the light from my laptop screen, and wondering about the meaning of this holiday. I think about the guy who was trampled on Black Friday at Target by hundreds of people rushing to get discounts, and all of the church signs that read “Remember The Reason For The Season…” while inside they endorse discrimination and hate of those who are “not like them.”
I take another sip of my tea and think about on this night, according to the story, in a little town in Bethlehem a baby was born to a virgin named Mary, and there in a manger lay the son of God. This baby symbolizes purity and innocence, and his entire presence in the Bible was about tolerance, love, and forgiveness. Jesus wasn’t about discrimination, or isolation. Jesus was about tolerance, and symbolic heartbeat of Christianity that all people are loved by God equally. I take another sip of tea, and realize that my cup is almost empty, and I watch my two cats run up and down the hallway. I think about the loss of my cat Eddy, and how I wish he was here with them playing. So this is Christmas….
If you are reading this, from this day forward, lets focus on making love the most important part of your day. Love for people who are different, annoying, or maybe who are made fun of at your school or work. Focus on spreading joy, and making people laugh and helping them feel good. Focus on making love the focus of your light, and to eliminate the darkness and hate that seems to be more popular these days.
Regardless of who you are, as I watch the snow fall outside, I am reminded that there are no two snowflakes that are alike. I look at the street outside covered in white, and I think to myself that if each one of those flakes is different – then my road is much like the world. We should all learn alittle something from a visual so simple, because all of them are together in one united blanket – making the night peaceful.
Merry Christmas All, I Love You.
Jake A. Wheat
It seems that when life hands you lemons, you can either make lemonade or you can squeeze them into your eyes until you go blind – either way, I hate lemons. This weekend was a testament to my inability to relax, and to be unable to shut down my very overloaded brain. I was handed dozens of lemons, and didn’t know what the hell to do with them… lemon overload!
Saturday I worked most of the day, and then came home to find my partner waiting for me – his usual bouncy self, while I just wanted to find solace in climbing up top a mountain and sitting in silence letting the breeze surround me in a zen state. Unfortunately, my partner had 600 energy drinks, and was bouncing off the walls – so there is no way I can have any peace or quiet when that happens.
Cut to going out with our friends Mike & Ashley, whom always makes for an entertaining evening. Even though I am low on cash right now *sigh* I still decided it would be nice to go to Chili’s Restaurant and dine out, and we did – the one on Poplar Level Road – which I must say is claustrophobic (it’s a Chili’s Restaurant hit by a shrink ray) and has probably the worst service since Freddy Krueger doubled as that waitress in Nightmare on Elm Street 4. I could have stuffed our waitresses eye sockets with a couple of lemons, and felt better about life – she was a real bitch. Seriously.
None the less, we laughed making our own amusement to the delight of anyone sitting around us, and I couldn’t help but feel a tad high-horsed, after all these days I am trying my DIVA mode on, and it seems to be working for me. Don’t hate, or I will shove a lemon in your eye as well!
After Chili’s we hit this quaint coffee shop that is located right behind the restaurant, and went inside to meet the nicest lady I have ever met. I ordered the hot chocolate, which is made with the finest chocolates – orange – and some kind of meth. Regardless, she placed a sticker of a cow on the top of my cup, and I fell in love with the idea of putting the cow sticker on my head. It was Official, I had became “mooo-s-lem.”
This launched a gallon of religious related cow jokes, including how I study the “cow-balla,” and that I am 2% sure that to be dedicated to the religion you have to be pasteurized, otherwise you will be skimmed over in the afterlife. There were other jokes, but I can’t remember all of them – too intense of a sugar buzz, and I am diabetic.
Sunday was rougher, I decided to pull out some of my older archives of stuff that I had written, and started weaving them into my novel. I got bored with that, paid bills, and then got anxious – I hate paying bills. I hate how everything is overpriced, and I hate that I am not a millionaire.
I then backed up my iTunes, shuffled through some new musicians that I discovered reading a few of my industry magazines, and then I made spaghetti. Realizing my mood swings were on “def-con sixty-one-thousand” today, I noticed that I was out of my medications….. more specifically, I had been out of prozac for a week, and that makes me feel strange and on edge.
I cooked spaghetti, drank an iced mocha (light), and then sat on the couch to watch the new season of Dexter. I totally love the show, but refuse to talk about it because there are too many people I know out there who read my blog that are catching up on the show – and have not seen season five yet. Those people do not have a clue as to what is going on now, and I don’t want to spoil the “on-your-knees” moment that they will receive by the time they get to the end of season four.
I like where season five is going, and I am amazingly interested in how they are going to adapt Dexter’s character to his new situation – indeed, a bumpy fun season.
I also discovered this weekend an artist by the name of Frankmusik that hails from South East London, and fell in love with this cheeky musician who reminds me a lot of Dan Black mixed with Robbie Williams, and a clash more of dance/synth pop. I also did his look, which drives me crazy (see pic to the left) with this kick ass hairstyle, and adorable innocence that well – we all know goes to shit in a dark alley somewhere, sorry but reality sucks – and no one is perfect anymore.
Regardless, Frankmusik is a pretty interesting artist who may not suit everyone, but for me finds a resting place in my iPod for the rest of the week with his album “Complete Me,” upon which I must admit lives up to it’s title. Yes, Frankmusik – you “complete me,” until next week when another musician falls captive into my iPod, and you are either archived in my iTunes library or kept to spend more time in my head for another week. | Are you on my LastFM?
Indeed I am a whore when it comes to music, but don’t tell anyone – it’s a shameful secret that I hide from most people (not). Thank God I have a prozac refill so I can keep all my dirty little secrets under control….. naughty Jake, naughty!
Jake A. Wheat
PS. Speaking of naughty, Frankmusik apparently spanks his monkey on webcams, which is something I ran across while reading up on him on Google. I wish more musicians did [THIS: which is not safe for work, contains nudity] because it simply makes everything …. well….. hotter, does it not?