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Quite Honestly, Jake… MY BIG CONFESSION.
Taking life for granted is easy to do, when you feel like life is wanting to be taken for granted. ”I’m overworked, so fuck it I’ll just ……,” I say. Yeah, insert anything you want in the dots, and you will find that it’s appropriate.
I have decided to make an incredible life change which starts today, recognizing that I have let myself go beyond belief, with no excuse but to fix it or end up dead. End of story. Here is the truth, from me, quite honestly – and nothing anyone can say can change it, and if you comment or judge me on it – then your a dickhead.
1. My addition to food: I have a food addiction, it’s horrible. I am never full, and shovel in food when I am stressed out as a coping mechanism. I enjoy flavors, and most importantly, bulk. I frequent fast food, and order enough food for two or three people, eat, and then suffer or eat more later in the day. There are times where I will eat so much, that I have to throw it up, because it upsets my stomach.
A typical order for me at Taco Bell is not only memorized, but all too common: I get a #9 combo (three tacos), with a large Pepsi for the drink. I order TWO extra hardshell tacos, a seven layer burrito with extra guacamole, and then a Mexican pizza. In all, that is 2,400 calories in ONE meal. It gets much worse, as a sitting at Wendy’s can equal a DOUBLE cheeseburger, large fry, large drink, and ANOTHER single hamburger – which exceeds the daily intake of calories one should have period. Additional stress to my body is added when I stop off to get candy bars, chocolate milk, and other items which I gorge on often before I get OUT OF THE GAS STATION from which I purchased them. If I continue this route, I am going to die.
I also smoke, heavily. I smoke either Camel Menthol or Marboro Menthol and when I smoke it’s usually in a chain of three or four cigarettes. I do not smoke a lot at home, but rather at work on break, or TO or FROM work in the car - one right after the other. I smoke until my lungs hurt, and often during the day I will not eat – and so when I smoke, I smoke too much causing myself to gag and then I end up dry heaving, wanting to vomit – and either I do or I just dry heave until it stops. If I continue this route, I am going to die.
I have been to the medical clinic twice now due to being sick, and both times my blood pressure was so high the clinic wanted me to go to the Emergency Room of our local hospital because I was “above stroke level,” and yet – here I am 300lbs, eating like I have a tapeworm, and smoking like a yellow haired compulsive dobbing paper in a bingo hall. I AM AN IDIOT, and if I continue this route I am going to die soon.
So one sets goals at this point of reflection, and says to oneself – SELF – you’re a fucking idiot. If you don’t change your ways, your body is going to give out, and you are going to kick the fucking bucket. Again, so one sets goals, and here are mine. However, goals have a purpose and one must MUST dangle a carrot in front of one’s face in order to obtain those goals – or else there is no motive, other than self gratification, and since I have a food addition – I need something other than self gratification to make me full and whole. I need something else, something to work toward, something tangible. So here is my game plan:
1. FUCK THE WORLD. Yep, no more investing time in other people’s crazy agendas being the good guy. I’m going full self centered and in my own head space for now. You got a problem, then work it out – I will be working on my own shit. That is the first major change, because I rush to the aide of people like I am a superhero – not sleeping, making personal sacrifices and expending myself short of ME time in the process. That is over, YOUR problems are NOT my problems. Sorry. [Repair Mode Activated]
2. Healthy Food Only. If it doesn’t grow from the Earth, it doesn’t need to go in my mouth. Yeah, that pretty much eliminates ALL fast food, all processed foods, all things neon orange and cheesy, and anything else for that matter. If you can’t squeeze it from a fruit, it shouldn’t be in liquid form in a cup. Green teas, water, or herbal teas will be my new beverages of choice. I will also have TWO vitamin infused drinks a day, and will drink EIGHT glasses of water – EIGHT mandatory glasses as well.
3. 30 minutes MINIMUM of exercise a day. Yep, we have a huge park and a walking trail not minutes from my house, so use it. 30 minutes walking will do me good each day, and it will be either in the AM before work, or at night.
4. NONE OF THE FOLLOWING IS ALLOWED: Cigarettes, cola, fast food, processed food, SECOND HAND SMOKE, foods high in sugars, starches, or heavy carbs.
5. THE FOLLOWING IS MANDATORY: EIGHT glasses of water, TWO vitamin infused drinks a day, and my alternatives are herbal teas – cold or hot. ONE healthy breakfast, ONE healthy lunch, ONE healthy dinner, and ONE healthy snack. NO CANDY, COOKIES, ICE CREAM, GUMMY BEARS, WORLDS LARGEST GUMMY BEARS, etc.
6. WEIGHT LOSS: Your goal is 50+ lbs by SEPTEMBER 1st, 2013. THIS is because on September 14th, I will be going to Cincinnati to meet Manu Bennet. This is my reward, my goal, what I am working towards. If I don’t make the commitment and stick to it, then I fail myself, my trip, and meeting my favorite actor. It’s a fair way to discipline and regulate myself.
If you are reading this, and you have something NEGATIVE to say to me, don’t. I don’t want to hear your mouth about my confession here, after all I wrote it out there and you read it – so I already know how self destructive I have been to myself. THIS IS NOT A PICNIC FOR ME… but change is. If you want to say something positive or encouraging, then feel free. The only thing left for me to say is that I am excited, very excited for change – personal change, because if not then I AM GOING TO DIE.
I’m not quite ready to die yet, even though I am a dumbass.
Sincerely,
Jake A. Wheat
Pericarditis Is The Final Answer
Chest pains, shortness of air, and passing out. These are not exactly the combination of things one wants to experience while trying to get back on one’s feet, nor getting back to feeling better and re-gaining independence.
Alas, this was me. After being in the Doctor for things in my head, and “chest pains” that were wrote off as pleurisy by stupid Doctors – I finally was able to get the help I needed after going unconscious at work TWICE in a row while co-workers stood by waiting for the ambulance to take me to my grave.
About Pericarditis: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001234/
It was a graveyard smash.
I went by Ambulance to the ER, and was given an EKG – and a ton of other things. Then my Doctor came in, some older lady. In the ER Doctor world, her vagina hadn’t been stuck in so long that it sealed up all the way to her ears. She wouldn’t listen, and yapped herself to a frenzy while I decided to tune her out. She had no answers, no care that I was in pain, and frankly she was a tad on the “if we met in a dark alley, I would have went Dexter on her” kind of a person.
Honesty.
My Boss is there, worried, invites Jesus into my body to save me and to heal my heart. At this time I am inviting anyone who can make the pain go away, but nothing helps. I appreciate his sincerity, and am thankful for his prayers and prayer group. I hope that Jesus gets the message “next day air,” because I can’t take one more day of this.
Incoming….. stupid cracked out “Home Health Nurse” who is kinda like Febe from the sitcom friends. She goes over what they are going to do to me, which I recognize as stuff they have already done. I tell her this, she then goes on to explain that I could be having an abdominal aortic aneurysm. Yes, in other words she begins to tell me that a large artery in my abdomen may be weak and subject to exploding at any moment – and then shows me how that would happen with her hands.
My Mother held back her anger, I held back my laughter.
All along, my Father was also in the room and was telling everyone that I was having the same symptoms as someone who was suffering from Pericarditis. This was because my FATHER had it previously, and he knew exactly what would need to be done to bring the pain and shortness of breath to an end. NSIADS….. “non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs,” which is shit like Advil. HAD I KNOWN, I would have already had about 2,000 mg of Advil in my tummy – but I digress.
No one would listen, but the ER Doc with the vagina/ear seal did write final orders for a shot of some NSAIDS in my IV which took the pain immediately away, and I was finally able to sleep.
The entire day I slept, until the next night where I met Dr. Pimp (A Bollywood reject who wore so much cologne he smelled like he was trapped for months inside of an Abercrombie and Fitch Outlet), and was also a douche. After asking me the same questions over and over, and with the pain in my chest and trouble breathing returned he ignored my suggestion of Pericarditis stating “who gave you that diagnosis, or where did you read that?”
… and then ran the following tests:
I had three MRI’s (total of 8 for the month), a 2D Heart Doppler, EEG of my brain (which made me pass out), Tilt Table Test (which was supposed to make me pass out, but didn’t), and a few CT scans, and a bone scan.
At the end of this week long run, he discharged me with…. Pericarditis, stating that “I told you I would find out what was wrong.”
I wanted his balls sent overseas.
The long and the short of the cause of this “Pericarditis” is not necessarily known, but I can tell you that it sucks and I am resting at home until I feel better. I am not rushing anything.
I’m also not the same person, which means that if I am interrupted by someone while enjoying a brief moment of happiness – then out the door you go! I poop on ugly people’s heads.
Anyway, unless I get ambushed by pixie homosexuals with acid tipped fire ant eubola darts – I plan on only getting better. Ok?
Love to all that sent their love, cards, and expressions of care. That means the World to me, and I thank you.
Sincerely,
Jake A. Wheat
“TEAM JACOB” IS MY GROUP OF DOCTORS… NOT FROM TWILIGHT!
I go to work on Tuesday, October 25th and start work doing a “alt lead supervisor role” which I have wanted for so long. I have worked hard to keep up my numbers, and finally my chance is here, but I sleep pretty badly the night before.
I am told it is pleurisy, and that if I stick through the day, the next day my family Doctor will be able to fix it. I am told loads of things, and I believe them to remain positive, and to not create additional anxiety.
I take a few supervisor requests and an escalation call, and then notice that the building is getting hot. I go to my desk and get my fan, no one in my overall surroundings are intolerable, and in fact they are comforting – so I keep telling myself I am going to be ok.
In a small fraction of a moment, my body looses audio and I recall starting to sweat like crazy. I turn to a co-worker and let him know that this is the pre-cursor to me passing out, and then I remember waking up with a team of people that I trust and am comfortable with around me as a support system. They have called 911, and they are being reassuring.
I am embarassed, covered in sweat, and now completely humilated because this sequence of events has moved into my worklife and it has not done this before – just at home. I begin to get emotional because I don’t understand what is wrong with me.
A co-worker has a firm grip on my radial pulse, which gives me an enormous amount of security, and I am being reassured and talked to very calmly and nicely – by everyone during the wait for the ambulance.
It arrives, and I am taken to Audubon where I am met with a team of ER Doctors, my Mother, and My Boss. We all go back and they do an EKG, heart monitor, and various other hookups to put on me – so I just go along. They draw copious amounts of blood, and then I am visited by my Father who tells me it sounds exactly like when he had the symptoms from Paracarditius, which is basically cured by NSAIDS. Instead, I am admitted and given an analysis by a wacky home health nurse who tells me I could need a “cardiac cath” (already had one) OR … this could be an aortic rupture, but that explodes fast and I would die quickly.
She made me feel very comfortable.
So today is Friday night, Saturday morning and a “Halloween” movie marathon is playing on basic TV. I am given drugs so I kick in and out of consciousness, much like those in a stereotype movie… and most of the time I wake up in a pool of sweat, eyes wide, and totally awake in this private room.
We have done so many tests:
1. Tilt table test – where they strap you in like frankenstein, drop your blood pressure, and then have a team of people ask you “are you feeling ok?”
2. MRI #7, because the previous 6 may have been just a fluke.
3. CT Chest and abdomen.
4. Heart Doppler (2d) = Results lost, then found, took a long time, basically not sure what that whole thing was all aboug.
6. Bone Scan – To see if my skeleton was normal.
8. They drew about 19 bottles (not tubes) of blood, and reported back that “bacteria was growing.” ”I had a bacterial blood infection, but what kind?? Why me?”
9. Oh… and they did an HIV test too, just because those will clinch up your anus, won’t they? 
All we know at this point is that there is a bacterial infection around my heart, and that I wake up wet with sweat. Hopefully I will get a diagnosis today, because I am really blah this morning.
Love,
Jake Wheat
